My Thoughts on Sex

For a woman, sex can be the best thing in the world and it can also be the worst. I have wandered most of that spectrum and have learned a few things about both myself and my lovers. So here, for what it's worth, are some of my personal thoughts and a bit of advice on sex.

I truly love to explore a man's body, the curve of muscles on his arms, the hollow under his collar bone, the broad triangle of his back, all the small, sensitive parts of his hand... and elsewhere. I am capable of deeply appreciating and enjoying a man's body. But sex is so much more than bodies. Even the most beautiful man can leave me cold. Sex is an art and it requires dedication, talent and skill to reach the full potential of the act. First, sex is a hunger that needs to be shared. Being with a man who does not desire me, who does not respond to my responses, who does not delight in my pleasure and get aroused by my arousal, is never fully satisfying. A skilled lover who does not completely share in that feedback loop may still be able to give me an orgasm but it will be a mechanical thing, not worth pursuing. I would rather be with a man who has a talent for sex than one who is merely a great technician. I would always choose a somewhat naive and awkward lover who naturally responds to and delights in a woman's pleasure, over a man who has learned what buttons to push. So, all young or otherwise inexperienced men, please take this advice to heart... skill is less important than you probably think it is. Having said that, a man who brings both native talent and some education and experience to the bedroom (kitchen, beach or back alley) is what I'm really looking for. And by experienced I don't mean some good-looking stud who has a lot of notches on his bedpost. A few longer-term relationships will add more to your skill level than a long list of one-night stands. I think you need to get to know a few lovers very well, learn how to please them and how they can please you, and to reach the level of honesty and trust that you can both share every part of your sexual nature, before you can claim to be experienced.

I don't think most people realize the extent to which sexual preferences (even their own) vary. Women, and men, get turned on by many different things. What will send one person over the moon might do nothing (or annoy, or disgust, or frighten) another person. Although there are a lot of fairly standard desires (I've never met a man who doesn't like to have my mouth on his cock) as well as an unfortunate host of wide-spread inhibitions, many of our sexual triggers are very individual. There might be a way of dressing, the sight or touch of a particular body part, or specific words and tone of voice that send that tingle down your spine. Sex can be gentle or aggressive, quiet or loud, playful, earthy or almost ritualized, it can be private to the point of not even seeing each other or so public it is shared with strangers, vanilla or every outrageous flavor someone, somewhere can dream up. Even if you could drop every inhibition you were raised with, there are some things you won't enjoy and others that will surprise you by their impact on your libido. If you have never explored beyond the close, narrow representations of sex in North American culture, then no matter how many people you have had sex with, you are not an experienced lover. I encourage everyone to have an open mind and try some explorations that push your boundaries at least a little bit. Just always be respectful and attentive to your partner because without their pleasure, sex can turn into something unpleasant and even ugly. Keep in mind that what arouses a person often depends on circumstances and mood. Sometimes quiet, gentle sex in the dark is perfect (okay, not very often for some of us). But even those who think that is the only way they can enjoy sex might be surprised into a sharp stab of lust by the right man or woman whispering an aggressive, risky proposal into their ear while dancing under the moonlight. Remember, if you want to explore but your partner seems reluctant, circumstances can be created and moods can be encouraged. Fabulous sexual encounters sometimes take a little work.

Experience can be difficult and sometimes even dangerous to obtain. Although, at the end of the day, there is no real replacement for having been there, done (or tried) that, there are other ways to get educated about sex. There are books on the mechanics of sex and books on the psychology of sex. Best of all, I think, are the books that allow you to share in another person's very detailed, explicit fantasies of amazing sexual encounters. You can learn a lot about men, women and yourself by indulging in erotic reading material. With that, I invite you over to my website, read an excerpt and maybe buy a book... you never know, you might learn something! Feel free to comment, ask questions, etc. and I'll try to respond.

Romance – Fantasy or Reality?

Isn't it time we called it quits on the fantasy of romance? Other than reading wonderful books about steamy romantic affairs like in my novels Taking Chances or In A Dark Embrace, of course (okay, my plug is out of the way now, you can enjoy the rest of my blog).

Seriously, in a logical world "friends with benefits" should be what we all want. Think about it. You like each other (the "friends" part), add in physical pleasure (the "benefits") and the relationship should be perfect. In this kind of soft coupledom, both parties know that a walk into the sunset wearing matching gold bands is not on the table. There are no false promises, no hard lines boxing you together forever – or at least until past all endurance. Doesn't that sound better?

Funny thing is, no one wants novels about finding the perfect benefits package. And, I suspect that anyone who has ever been in one of those relationships knows that there is something (a lot!) missing. So why the gap between logic and the heart? Is it the lack of commitment? Do we need that fenced-in feeling in order to appease the demands of romantic love? HEA (happily ever after) endings are pretty much a must in the romance biz (although I skate close to the line in my stories Healer's Price and Demon Master), but is long-term commitment really a necessary ingredient to romance in RL? A lot of people would say yes. I'm going to say no.

I'm sure we've all known women who have had romances with non-committal men. Were they all clinging to the delusion of getting to that happy-couple-standing-in-the-church ending? I'll bet a lot of them were, unfortunately, and then felt bitterly disappointed when the years passed and the proposal never materialized.

Well, I'm one of those women and I'm not delusional (at least, not about my relationship). I happen to be madly in love with a man who I know will never slip a ring on my finger. He's a wonderful, decent guy who treats me with respect, heaps of affection and constant (sometimes unearned!) admiration. He just won't make promises into the far distant and impossible to predict future. Having been through the slow, painful death of one marriage already, I figure I've had enough broken promises for one lifetime. Others might question my decision, but what we have feels too good to give up. We have no legal or religious contract, only a deep, shared pleasure in each other's company. And, in my diary at least, that's a romance.

Maybe madly is the key word. There is a madness to being in love – it's turbulent, passionate and sometimes painfully vulnerable. When you're filled with such intense emotions, when the need to touch that specific somebody fills you and – miracle upon miracles – the object of your obsession responds, then isn't that a romance? It's a real world romance, sweet even in its imperfections. I'll take it over a lukewarm "friends with benefits" thing any day. I'll even take it over diamonds and "be mine forever" Valentine's Day cards. How about you?